It’s not personal // Love in the time of anti-depressants

My partner and I both deal with mental illness. Some of my dearest friends do as well.

I have been surprised by the longevity of some of my relationships. Love between friends can burn just as powerfully as romantic relationships. The people I connect to are often people who understand anxiety, depression, loss, grief, and all those tough parts of life.

My partner and I recently both experienced episodes of depression around the same time. Yet somehow it didn’t tear our relationship apart. One of my lifelong friends and I only got closer when I became depressed.

Sometimes I have wondered how we can maintain a relationship while both being depressed. Other people have asked me too.

The words that have saved my life & my heart: It’s not personal. 

Do not take it personally. It’s tempting, I know.  What do we mean by “it”? Every.little.thing.

This is so hard. But it may free you. This sounds harsh at first, but it’s the kindest truth I have heard: Nothing anyone does is because of you. 

Nothing. Literally. This is not hyperbole.

People do their best in whatever situation they are in (side note: “best” changes from moment to moment, depending on a number of things). They are responding to life based on their own perspective, biases, and choices. So are you.

When someone is depressed/anxious/having an episode, they sometimes say or do incredibly hurtful things. I’m not saying you should not be hurt. Be hurt. Feel it. But try, try, try not to take it personally. It doesn’t mean anything about you.

Honestly, this is one of the hardest things I have done but it’s worked for me in moments of extreme desperation. Keep reminding yourself of this, and in a moment when you need it, you will hear your own voice in your head telling you, this is not about you.

“It’s not personal” is so freeing because what follows are these beautiful realities:

you cannot change or control anyone (accept them & yourself, as you are).

you cannot save them (they must save themselves). 

you are responsible for you (no blaming your life on someone else). 


2 thoughts on “It’s not personal // Love in the time of anti-depressants

  1. My boyfriend and I also both deal with mental health issues. I have written on this matter recently. I think it adds a lot of depth and compassion to our understanding each other, and there have been times when we’ve wondered if we’ll make it long term because of our issues, but ultimately, you are very right–it is important not to take things personally. That, I think, is a major contributing factor to the longevity of a relationship, especially when mental illness is in the works.


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